Male Survivors of Domestic Abuse
On Monday 8th March, International Women’s Day, my father, age 71, came home from his shift as a cleaner in the local car manufacturing factory. He had something to eat and headed out to ‘fax and post some papers’. When he came back, he downed two cans of beer and smoked a couple of cigarettes.
Dad had stopped drinking and smoking over 10 years ago.
His speech was slurred and he collapsed with my mum’s empty antidepressant packs in his pocket having taken 20. Dad has been a survivor of domestic abuse for over 40 years. He is the named carer of both my autistic brother who has learning disabilities and my mum, the perpetrator.
I only learnt about what happened because my brother tried to use dad’s phone and had inadvertently sent me the garbled suicide text message he was trying to write before he lost consciousness.
This is the first time I have openly spoken about this. Its not easy to talk about something for which there is little to no discussion in society. There is less known about male victims of domestic abuse; according to Office of National Statistics, in 2018, the Crime Survey for England and Wales found one in three victims of domestic abuse were male. One in three; for every three people who experience domestic abuse, two are women, one is male. Furthermore, latest figures (2020)show that there are differences within ethnic groups in terms of those experiencing domestic violence.
One of the justifications often given for not doing more for male victims is that they are less likely to be physically attacked compared with women. This dismisses the ramifications of emotional and psychological abuse that survivors of abuse from all genders experience. Mankind Initiative highlights the types of abuse men can experience including rape, accusations of sexual abuse, humiliation and limiting contact with others. Only 51% of men tell anyone they are a victim of domestic abuse (compared with 81% of women). This suggests that male domestic abuse is much more likely to be hidden.
My father has never spoken to anyone about what was happening but everyone knew that he was having problems. His work was his sanctuary. He arrives earlier than he needs to; so that he can practice yoga and meditation, something he can’t freely do at home. Over the years, dad has found ways to cope. He loved his family and he loved his wife, who had lived with mental health issues for many years. Not an excuse for behaviour but my mother has never been offered counselling up until recently and even then it was a paid for service. I bite my tongue every time I hear the conversation around access to talking therapies.
When he worked as a taxi driver, Dad would sneak books into the boot of his car. When he had a break, he’d pull out a huge book on Hindu Economics or Indian politics and read. We had discussed him leaving on many occasions and some days were better than others. He had tried giving up all interests, cutting the few ties he had, and in the end he had nothing but his ‘breathing exercises’ and yoga. It was when mum picked up on how his breathing was similar to the exercises and that he knew it meant another sleepless night. He decided he’d had enough and took the only way out that he could see at that time. With higher rates of male suicide and homelessness, how many of these men are victims of domestic abuses and tried to find a way out?
Even now, as my father regains consciousness, I am reminded that we are not out of the woods. From talking of finally leaving, his thoughts turn to how he could be ‘successful’ next time. This is the first time my father has asked for help and I’m not convinced he will be understood as an Asian male in this position.
In the past, Police have been called and dad taken away, leaving the three of us children with the perpetrator. Its easier to assume that Asian men are the reason for the limitations of any Asian women than wider society issues. I have seen accounts of white male domestic abuse victims but never Asian men who might encourage others to come forward. Where are the representation of Asian or Black men? Maybe it would have helped my dad to speak up earlier. The stigma of broken marriages in some communities can mean some men fear what it would mean for their daughters and future potential marriage suitors if they walked out.
Dad always had plans for me to go to university. When we learned that my mother would refuse, he took me and my sister and left. He was persuaded to return by ‘community leaders’ who took my mother’s side; claiming that university wasn’t the best place for me. It was one of the rare times that mum backed down. It meant that I was able to escape but dad paid a heavy price. He lost friends, family and many of his hobbies and interest, all to make sure I got out OK.
The arguments were about everything and nothing. There would be an elbow at 2am to ask ‘why did you defy me and let her go to university… all of this is your fault’. I continued to receive calls or messages and it was clear that a mix of fear, learning disabilities and autism, both my brother and dad were not going to leave. When dad called on Sunday, prompted by my mother shouting profanities in the background, I was more concerned for my brother. ‘she won’t let me out, I’m locked in again, I may as well not be here’ he complained. My brother had grown tired and wanted a walk in the Botanical Gardens.
I had grown tired of being the mediator. I didn’t expect this to be the last straw for my dad. Having gone through my own struggles recently, when dad called on Sunday, it seems we had both reached our limit for what we could handle. Another restless night, the dread of coming home, not being able to be yourself must have been too much.
My response on Sunday was ‘stop trying to get me to sort your problems out! Its YOUR problem, you sort it!’ I hoped and prayed that those were not my last words to my father. I feel very lucky that for now, dad survived but I know it’s not over.
I have previously contacted ‘Mankind Initiative’, but if you can imagine how hard it is to get support for men, getting support for support for men of colour will be even harder. The last time I called, I was asked about why my parents had decided to come to the UK. I went along with questions because it was the only support line and apart from the microaggressions, they at least listened and validated. It did however confirm for me that there was little to no help for men like my dad.
I have pondered and discussed with dad and friends about speaking out. I know once this is out, it can’t be taken back. Maybe this is part of the problem, I am part of the problem, by not being open I make it harder for others to speak up. More support is needed for families and guidance on how older victims can be helped. If children only ever see posters of female victims, how will they be able to share an alternative perspective? There is little consideration of how children are effected when women are the perpetrator in my experience.
When I ask about support or help, people are quick to assume the victim is female. Even when people learn that it was dad in hospital and that domestic abuse is a factor, the assumption is that it’s a man who has felt guilty or tried to manipulate the situation. I share with permission from dad, in the hope that I can help make it easier for others to come forward especially men from ethnic minority groups.
Domestic abuse cases are complex but we need to recognise the limitations of current knowledge and support further research into male victims of abuse.
